Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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