Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
