hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
