Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
