ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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