kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
