What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
