She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
