Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
