I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
