I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
