She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
