One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
