so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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