And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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