By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
