I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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