remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Your penis caused this!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
