Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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