just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
