Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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