Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
