This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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