i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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