Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize