i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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