Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
