I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
