I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
