I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
and you fell through a lawn chair
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
