when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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