walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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