need another drink. this is the easiest way
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
