Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
