I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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