it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
