Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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