Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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