please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
