pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
