Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
