I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
