Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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