Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
