i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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