just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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