I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize