My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize