I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
