next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
