I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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