My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
