Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
