I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can't put those talents on a resume
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
