I need to stop coming to work sober
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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