i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
