Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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